Yes, I've found God. Everyone says they've found God, and what they mean is different every time. But when I say that I saw God, I don't mean in prayer or a vision. I don't mean that I was in a car accident and hit my head, or that I had a fever and a strange dream. I saw and touched God in the flesh.
God is a girl, actually. God has soft small hands and smells nice and you can bury your face in her hair, and she's warm like a sunbeam.
God. It must be good to be worthy of the name. For me to call you God you must either save us all from this cruel reality or you must remake it so that it is no longer cruel. And these things, both, you did.
You are God.
And yet I plucked you from your heaven. I took you away from the people who needed You. And so I must be the Devil.
Yes, of all the creatures I'm most wretched. Because I couldn't give God up. Because I had to have God. Because I had to lie to God. Because I couldn't protect God.
God doesn't need the Devil's protection.
But I am the raw rotting wheel of karma that will roll forward, stinking up everything in its path. I am the lathe of heaven. I am the thing that turns around your turning. You are timeless and so far away.
I wanted to love God. I wanted to fuck God. I wanted to break here on this wheel. I want to go back to heaven. I can only think about what I want. You are the catalyst for so much more. If I die then I'll betray you. If I live my life weakly then I'll let you down.
God is good. God is good, so it has to be all right. God won't let me die, so it has to be all right that I don't die. I want to die but that's not the same as not wanting to live. I want to live but I want to die.